And I'm back.....

I'll start by apologizing for the delay between posts. 8-9 hours a day of staring at a computer, the last thing I want to do is get back on one when I get home. BUT! The good news is I have a lot to update, so over the next few days, stay tuned. 

I'm gonna start the updates with a little stream of conscious writing I did on the train to Zell Am See (you'll learn what that is next);

Play this video and start reading.... Trust me.

 

 "...Lookin' for Adventure..."

There is something to be said for the sound of a railcar making its way through the countryside. Da-dum-Da-dum... Da-dum-Da-dum... Of course, not everyone may agree but its something I grew up on. Perhaps its a primal relation, the sound of a mothers heart while you grow in the womb. Either way, here I sit. From Vienna to Salzburg, Salzburg to Zell am See.

3 weeks in and I feel this trip has already produced an entirely new perception on the world around. I'm not suprised by it, I've essentially lived on my own since 17 but 7 years later this is truly the first time I am alone.

It's a good time to reflect. I look back and see no regrets. I look forward and see a future worth waiting for. But as I sit here in the present taking some video of the country, I cant help but stare at the reflection of the empty seat in front of me, superimposed on the beautiful sights I'm enjoying alone.

What do I want to do when I grow up? I've got a great job and an entrepenurial ambitions. I made the decision after a semester of college that I really hadn't a clue what I would do with my time there. What I thought I wanted was washed away like piss in a rainstorm shortly after starting that education. The thought of getting a degree and possibly paying for it for the first few years of my exciting new career? I just didn't have the interest, or the discipline.

It's a good time to rejoice. I was raised on strong foundations, morals and ethics. No religion. An environment that allowed me to ask questions while being confident in myself. Sure, its gotten me in trouble sometimes. I've made an ass of myself more times than I can count, but when you take it as a lesson. Brush the dust off your shoulder and laugh. Its serves as a better education for playing real life, if you will. Because of it, I have a good feeling of respect towards myself and feel it in return from others.

Its beyond difficult to let go of what I left behind. The things I want may as well be on a list to Mr. Claus and mailed out in an envelope colored in crayon, addressed to the north pole; Santas workshop. I have a history of choosing a more difficult route for myself, emotionally at least. I want love and empathy, but I want to work for it. I get bored quickly when someone takes hold, shows me they care and tells me they love me. Thanks for reading my list old St. Nick, apparently it was a lie.

I guess its the same reason I think "how can I build this" long before I think "where can I buy this". Show me the hardware and craft stores and I'll build you a scale model at night of the house I'm buildng during the day. Need an idea? trust me, I've got 30. But think twice before you tell me you want me, want to be with me. For some reason I only want to work for it. When a sense of reciprocation lacks, it has a way of making you feel bitter. Constantly wanting more. Which is unfair.

The truth is, I don’t know what I want from a partner. I have this idea, as everyone does I’m sure of who that person is. The thought of greater things, the future. To build a foundation on the world around. To understand what is at hand, what is available to you. How to use it and when. Looking at everything as a piece to something else.The want to build a legacy on inspiration. The desire to understand everything and to share it with everyone else.

Perhaps its too ambitious to expect from someone else. Not the ability to see things that way, rather the drive to make them so. Perhaps I need to be more open. Be more attentive if someone speaks an interest, rather than keep looking for someone else. I spend time thinking about what I might have missed. But still, no regrets. I’ve made a lot of good friends along the way, perhaps that’s all they were meant to be.

Someone asked me the other day “What do you think when you look at the stars?” My prompt response was “It’s proof that there is no God.”